My sketchbook holds my thoughts,
thoughts that would not dare leave my lips when you're around.
Messy ink scatters the pages,
in between are memories and impatience.
I don't believe you would understand,
my mind has a way of twisting things and breaking them.
You told me that you loved
every color of the rainbow,
so I painted a page in my sketchbook
Red reminds me of you.
For red is not poetic,
but how we portray it to be.
Red falls from your lips when you're nervous,
teeth scraping against the skin
that I so badly wish to kiss.
I love you.
I love you,
and all the red paint dripping from my sketchbook.
Depression sucks, in all aspects, there's nothing spectacular about it. Growing up with depression and anxiety makes it seem almost normal. You don't realize that things can be different.
My niece, at the age of 10, was in and out of mental hospitals. I remember sneaking her in some dark chocolate because it made her so happy to see that I didn't forget it was her favorite. Her face would light up everytime I would bring my guitar with me to visitations. My family repeatedly told me that I was such a good influence and that they were glad my niece had an aunt like me...but I was struggling with recovery too. Recovery isn’t all rose scented candles and strawberry poptarts, it's a lot of relapsing and breakdowns.
Recovery starts with motivation. I have always believed that you can’t help someone if they don’t want to help themselves. You have to want to get better before anything else. Even if you have the strongest motivation you can still be a subject to relapse, and that's okay. Relapsing isn’t a terrible thing, it’s normal. Relapse and recovery go hand-in-hand. Just because you relapse doesn’t mean you’ve lost your progress. You’re recovery is still valid even if you are zero days clean.
Recovering isn’t done all at once, it takes time. Start by doing little things like personal hygiene, make it a rule to wash your face every morning. Or maybe even going for a small walk around the block every other day. Recovery doesn’t happen overnight, and there's no time limit. Maybe recovery for you is just talking it out. Make sure to pick healthy habits for recovery, not like eating junk foods or sleeping endlessly. Although be sure to get adequate rest and plenty of nutrition. If eating large meals isn't your thing then munch on some granola bars or fruit throughout the day, it's better than nothing.
If you don't think you can recover by yourself, maybe seeing a doctor and getting prescribed some antidepressants is a better choice for you. Never take pills from a ¨friend¨ claiming they are antidepressants, it's not difficult to get a prescription, be safe!
Sometimes, parents don't actually believe that their child is struggling with a mental illness because maybe you seem okay to them. If talking to them isn't an option for reasons like it might be unsafe to tell them, then talk to a school counselor or a close friend. School might be seen as a terrible place but the teachers and staff there are to help you succeed. They want to help, let them know that you aren't doing so well.
Maybe your life sucks right now, but things do change. Things get better with time, it might be tomorrow or 10 years from now but it does get better. And if you don’t believe me than the only way to find out is to try. Seeing is believing, right? Put yourself out there in positive manner, make new friends, put all your effort into this because you have to climb the mountain before you can touch the clouds.
LITTLE BY LITTLE
My voice shakes when I speak,
but I'll speak a little louder.
I've been quiet too long,
my mind is a little disorganized.
I promise I'll get there,
little by little, I'll get there.
yellow coffee mug between my sweater paws,
a smile that reaches my ocean eyes,
a little too much happiness for me to pass it by.
Today I stood in the mirror,
today the reflected figure smiled back at me.
Little by little I picked out each each flaw,
I think i'm starting to develop a newfound
Admiration for them.
Little by little, I'll learn to love myself.
Just a coffee-loving soul who put a little effort in recovering.